hello world.

yes, it's been a while. things have been good. and bad.

when things with her are good, I feel like I'm in heaven. everything just seems so perfect.

but when either of us gets mad, you get a preview of armageddon.

recently, it has been me who triggers off armageddon.

I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like....I enter some sort of trance. I do everything so calmly and collectedly, it's like...i'm coldblooded, heartless, stone.

It's only when I hear her wailing and sobbing uncontrollably that I snap out of it.

Of course, by then, the damage is irreversible.


I love her. I really really really do. I don't know what i can do to show it, but i don't recall loving anyone quite as much, quite as deeply and quite as wholeheartedly.

I don't recall loving anyone until it hurt this bad.

I know I will never be perfect for her. Yes, what you said is true. If i can leave you once, i can leave you again.


And true enough, I did.


No one can say they know me fully.


I may have said that you are in no position to fuck me over for not knowing you well enough, because you don't know me well enough.




But truth be told; you are the person who knows me best.






It's not about knowing everything that's happened in my entire life. It's about knowing how to make me feel loved, feel like i should....no, make me feel like i MUST forget the whole world, be with you, and just be contented, complete.




but I just don't know why.

why is it that I hurt every single person that I love.

why do i hurt everyone who loves me enough not to hate me?


it's like i'm a porcupine. whenever i try to hold someone close, i stab them with the daggers of bitterness on me.


it's not fair.



it's not fair to you.


it's not fair to me.



i'm sorry. i love you.





i need help.

this is an update.




;)

I'm happy for you. I should be.

): no one reads this shit.


hell, most of the links don't even fucken work!

your bolster doesn't hug you back.

yay. blog. AGAIN.

This is the only writing I still do for free. (hint: PAY ME NOW)


Since it's free, here's another incoherent rant.



Just saw more anti-smoking ads a couple of days back. Now gahmen is banning smoking in:

• playgrounds
• Covered carparks
• lift lobbies
• areas outside entrances of shopping malls
• open air shopping centres

This is on top of

• Bus stops
• Bars and Clubs
• Bus interchanges

WTF. First, you raise the bloody prices, to fucking 4 times the amount smokers pay overseas (angmohs have been heard going, "WHAT THE FUCK?! TEN BUCKS FOR A PACK OF SMOKES?" when they walk into convenience stores).

Then you print bloody retarded, gross pictures on cigarette packs, which should really be R21 because of their gory content (but no, kids should see them, so they'll be too damn scared to puff).

Then you make it tough for people to smoke and drink at the same time, when tobacco and alcohol really go hand in hand.

Then you print the retarded 'SDPC' on EVERY FUCKIN' STICK so no one can ever buy contraband and get away scot free.

NOW THIS.


So now, smokers are EXPECTED to walk out into the rain every time they need a smoke? They also need to walk out of playgrounds into the surrounding grass patches to get their dose of nicotine everytime they chill out at playgrounds at night?


Well done lah.




Walk out into rain, cigarette extinguished.

Walk out onto grass patch, step on cat shit.





Well done lah.



Pretty soon, smokers can only stand under ERP gantries to smoke.


Want to smoke? Pay ERP.



Oh shit, am I giving them ideas?



Next to the Jews, smokers are the most persecuted people on earth.

since im bored out of my mind, i shall blog (when i really should be thinking about new merchandise for IMC and a bloody outdoor ad)

actually i don't know what to blog about.


So i shall answer the question i usually ask:


"So, how's life?"


Life is..............wait, what life?



I have no life.


okay lah, a bit. Some parties here and there, dinners with friends, hardening my liver and blackening my lungs etc.

And of course, wrecking friendships and relationships like i always do. Lol.


So it's the holidays now. I imagined more work at first, but now I have nothing to do. NOTHING.


Don't even know if that is a good thing. I've been craving sleep and slept way too much during project stayovers (i'm so gonna get marked down). Now I sleep about 10 hours every day, but wake up and think, "Gawd wtf am i gonna do today."


My sub-ed just blasted my work in an email. Ok i have to admit it was a VERY slipshod piece of shit done on a total of 3 train rides and a couple of hours at the tables under convention.

At least I have time now to polish that up.

Speaking of that, WILL EVERYONE WHO OWES ME MONEY PLEASE PAY ME?!
(Especially people whom I've worked for, because I don't write for free......anymore!)

I have only 30 bucks left in the bank!



Ugh.


And I'm sick. coughing and have the sniffles.


Did I mention, im FLUNKING medlaw big time. Really quite worrying, but I dont know what the fuck to do. I do study, I see the question and I answer it confidently, only to find that i was given a big fat ZERO when i get the paper back.

sigh. to think i wanted to become a lawyer.


Mom: You're so good at arguing and talking back, go become a lawyer lah.
Me: Yeah, good idea!


Oh yeah, then again, that was a career choice suggested by the great mother. No wonder it would have turned out all fuckedup. Just like my half-fucked JC education.

Yes, if i went thr the two full years, it would be a totally fucked JC education.



gahhhhhhhhhh...........



as for the love life........well, let's just say that I can't become the good guy who gets the marriage material girl.


Simply cos i can't fulfill the 'good guy' end of the deal.



Maybe i have low self-confidence, but I'm often surprised at the kind of material i manage to attract.

I mean, look at me: I'm fat, I'm smelly (so says rach), I'm pimply (and getting pimplier thanks to a certain facial product), I'm brash, I'm a bastard and i suck at medlaw.

That's not a very sexy picture.



:/



okay time to shower and go over to parc oasis for mahjong. lol.


happy holidays!


P.S. I never got to say this before, but Wwei's dad was driving us home the other day and we went past Geylang.

I saw someone who looked very much like her.

I mean, I know she's a slut, but WOW! Could it be that she now does it full-time?

(gawd why am i even talking about her. i can't even remember how she looks like. or all the 'important' dates)

P.P.S. Walao that was a hell lot of random shit.

oh man, some interesting memories.

"They took away smoking, they took away drugs and promiscuous sex, they took away eating red meat and cat calling hot chicks on the street. All I have left is over-priced coffee, and by God I'm going to drink it!" - Brent Sienna

as much as the workload is increasing, I really can't complain much.



life's good: I've lost a bit of weight, been able to catch up with a coupla buddies I haven't seen in ages, have enough of everything to keep me satisfied, had a few lucky breaks and I'm pretty much thoroughly enjoying myself in doing what I do.





And as much as I hate becoming an old man, my 20th is coming along!



it's all good.




and yes, just so you know; you are a loser.


a WEAK loser.


I have no idea what I saw in you. I don't really care whether you were really referring to me or not, but yeah,


just add 'us' to your list of regrets.



i'm gloating. triumphantly. i'm a fuckin triumphant gloating asshole.



fuckoffandgodiepleasethankyouverymuch.

dear you.


you're already a masterpiece

Beethoven never added a drumbeat to the Fur Elise



please don't paint your face, you're beautiful just the way you are. (:

left eye twitched all day today.


is that bad?

who says beggars can't be choosers?



actually sometimes when you leave it up to God, everything just...falls into place.

Just saw a TVC for Dettol hand sanitizer.


The mom was stopping her kids from touching things like shopping carts and lift buttons for fear that they would contain harmful bacteria. But after sanitizing their hands with DETTOL HAND SANITIZER, EVERYDAY OBJECTS could be touched again without fear.


gawd.


you promoting a product or you promoting paranoia?

i just found out that 3 of my primary school friends are in med school


med-fucking-school.


the same people who used to sit in the same class as me, do the same papers as me, play hopscotch, catching and monkey bars during recess with me.


We had comparable grades until the bloody streaming in P4 put them in one class above me. Why? They did higher chinese. I couldn't (actually I could have but I didn't want to kill myself, yet).

So now they are studying to be doctors (think Grey's) where daily work means saving lives and maybe even bringing life into this world.

While they're at that, I'm probably working myself to death for low pay in an industry where deception is part of my job scope and rising in ranks means putting on a fake front and pandering to the wants of those around me.

so what if I'm in one of the most sought-after courses in poly? big deal.



I'm a fucking underachiever.

if I think some bungs are hot and some gayboys are cute, does that contradict my status as a straight guy?


hmmm.

I'm sick of coming up with excuses.


I'm sick of getting the same old excuses.



I'm sick of giving myself excuses for not trying to be a better individual.



gah.



only 2 things in this world are capable of motivating me: my own anger, or my love for someone


I've nothing to motivate me right now.




Until someone pisses me off real bad.

also, it's only during the times when you are forced to look through your list of contacts that you find many different kind of people.


changed phone yesterday so spent the whole night bluetoothing contacts to the new phone.


it's quite saddening to scroll through my contact list and see the numbers of people whom I was once really close to, but never talk to now.


Circumstances caused us to drift apart. we're in such different worlds now that i don't even need to keep their numbers anymore.


Then there are other names I simply can't recognise.

Every few names, i spend a few seconds at thinking," Who's this girl again? Was she an interviewee? Or just a 'friend of a friend' from a night out?".

Or worse, the people with common names, only to be distinguished by surnames - "Huh, Jeremy Wong? Who's that?"


Can't remember how these numbers found their way into my phone. Doesn't help that I'm bad with connecting names to faces. These numbers don't get transferred either.



Finally, there are people I've fallen out with, or people caught in the middle of tiffs, or people who've betrayed me.


Their numbers get transferred. Would have to use them someday, for some reason.

brought my grandma to see a doc about her hearing problems.


it's weird how the doctors and nurses call out patients' names so softly.


if the patients could hear them, they wouldn't be there now, would they?

I've always been intrigued with the concept of having a 'soulmate'.


Plato had an interesting take on this concept.


In his philosophical dialogue 'Symposium', one of his characters, Aristophanes, raised the theory that humans were originally created with four arms, four legs and a single head with two faces. The Greek god Zeus was afraid of their power and split each human in half, hence condemning them to spending the rest of their other half that would complete them.


In other words, according to Plato, somewhere out there, another human being has been created just for you. You were meant to spend the rest of your lives together and you'll never be complete without each other.


Do you subscribe to this theory?



I don't.




Not really.



Firstly, maybe we should consider the question, how do you know if the other person is your soulmate?



Do you know that if the both of you always have something to talk about?

I don't think so. Technically, soulmates should know each other so well that there are other means of communication (telepathy, reading body language etc) that sometimes, they don't need to say anything at all, just so the communication will be something only both of them share.

Something special.



Do you know that if the both of you are physically attracted to each other?

As much as Plato's mythical take seems to suggest that this might be a sure-fire test of soulmate-ness, I really don't think it might boil down to fitting the pieces of the puzzle.

What if someone you can really relate to is someone you haven't even seen before? A pen-pal? An online friend? How about if you can't see, or are physically numb? Does that mean you can never have a soulmate, simply because you aren't physically capable of feeling physical attraction?




Do you know that if the both of you end up getting married?

As much as the 'fate fanatics' (as I like to call those who accredit all happenings to fate) like to believe that finding your soulmate is all up to fate. So if someone never ends up in a civil domestic bond with you till death, it is impossible that person is your soulmate.

Well how about people who are kept apart by circumstances? Though they can relate to each other, complement each other and spend the rest of their lives longing to be with each other, they can never be together.

Are they not soulmates?



Or how about if one party doesn't feel the same way about the other?

Well, this will probably be the main point of debate. To establish someone else as your soulmate, does the other party have to be willing to be known as that? Does the other party have to relate to you as well as you relate to them?

Let me give you this example:

A guy and a girl meet in a bar. They strike up a conversation and find that they share similiar opinions on various topics. This puts them both in a good mood and before they know it, they're pissed drunk in a hotel room and......do some puzzle-fitting.

The morning after, they feel awkward and part ways, but keep in contact.

They then go on to date other people over the next 8 years but the girl, whether attached or single, always comes back to the guy whenever she's feeling down or needs help in making a important decision.

She views him as a soulmate; someone whose opinion she treasures, someone who can cheer her up just by saying hi, someone she can pour herself out to, someone she feels totally at home with, someone she doesn't have to put on fake fronts around. She tells him everything.

Everything, other than the fact that he is the most special human being on earth to her.

The guy, however, only sees her as a friend and obliges her every time. He doesn't know that he's the only person she confides in, the only person she feels happy with, the only person who can make her smile effortlessly, simply because he doesn't have any dealings with the other people in her life. He goes off, meets someone whom he falls in love with and gets married to her.

The girl is disappointed, but keeps dating, both men and women, eventually almost forgetting about him. But she soon finds herself going back to the guy everytime she's troubled.

She tries to wean herself off her dependence on him, throwing her all into everyone of her relationships. Eventually, she marries, but this quickly ends in divorce. She thought she could find another soulmate, and that maybe forcing a bond would bloom into something more beautiful for her. She's wrong.

Even after her divorce, she still finds her comfort in him, but at the same time, feels guilty that these dialogues might not be taken very well by his wife if they were found out.

The both of them grow old and die. He goes peacefully, surrounded by his wife, kids and grandkids. She dies cold and alone, clutching an old photo of him she took from his wallet that drunken night.





Was he her soulmate? She sure thought so. But she definitely wasn't his.

It's not as if she didn't give other people a chance. But it just didn't work out, somehow.

There are people who do live like this. I'm not gonna say if I'm one of them, but you can probably deduce.




So is there really just one soulmate for everyone of us? Are we meant to have another half? Are we meant FOR our other halves?

That's anybody's guess, I guess.